THREE THINGS……
Posted by Karen on Jun 25 2007
This post is a submission in the MamaBlogga Group Writing Project. The assignment was to finish this phrase: “Three things I want my kids to…….”
So here goes:
Three things I want my kids to………consider before choosing their spouse.
Kids, as I’m writing this, your dad and I have been married for nearly 16 years. We’ve had our moments of bliss and our moments of agony, but by the grace of God we’ve gotten through each hurdle stronger than we were before. There are some things I want you to consider before making this life-changing decision.
Marriage is forever. This is not something you blindly jump into. New love makes you oblivious to the underlying issues; this is a fact. Take your time and look at things from an objective point of view. Chances are you won’t be able to see things from this angle because of the whole “Love is Blind” thing. So I strongly encourage you to seek the advice of others who are close to you–preferably those who are older and wiser and those who have been married for quite some time. When they tell you something that doesn’t fit into your view of your intended spouse, it’s not because they are trying to break the two of you apart, it’s because they can see things objectively and with many more years of experience. Talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about things deeper than sports scores and weather. Speak of your dreams, your goals, your passions. Learn about his or her faith, what makes them tick, and watch how they interact with their own mother and father. Does this person do anything illegal, immoral, or impolite? Red flags are a sign of warning. Consider everything before saying, “I do.” I never want you to think, “I wish I hadn’t.”
Marriage is not easy. Sure, movies and books portray fairy tale lives, but in the real world, it’s not so simple. It’s something you need to work on and to set as a priority. Marriage has a way of changing your perspective. What once seemed “cute” now will become “annoying.” As a dating couple it may have seemed exciting that he was a free spirit without a rigid schedule, but when you’re expecting him for dinner and he doesn’t come home on time (for the 15th time that month) it’s going to become irritating. Communication is key. Speak about your needs and desires without accusing. Learn how to fight fairly. How does this person spend money? Frivolously or responsibly? Money issues are one of the top reasons for divorce. Get on the same page before you’re married. If there are issues with anything, talk it out. If this doesn’t work, seek counsel from someone before it gets too complicated. Years of bitterness and resentment are hard to overcome. Better to nip it in the bud. Marriage is not easy, but it’s worth fighting for.
Marriage is not about the wedding. Marriage is forever (see above). The wedding is just one day. It’s the day that commemorates the beginning of a union. It is not the end-all-be-all goal. It’s not about the size of the hall or the sweetness of the frosting on the cake. It’s not about which DJ you pick or how expensive the bride’s dress is. Look at the celebrities in Hollywood. They throw lavish weddings with expensive features and yet their marriages end in divorce so many times. And I’ve seen simple weddings in small towns with modestly decorated churches. The brides wore dresses that were purchased from clearance racks (with no designer tags!) I’ve attended receptions where the focus of the celebration was the bride and the groom and their guests. It wasn’t on the pile of gifts or the teetering cake or the quality of the food that was served. And these marriages are going strong today. Not that simple weddings and modestly priced dresses guarantee success, but it shows the focus is beyond that one day. The focus is on the couple, the union, and the love.
I want for you, my children, to grow up happy and healthy. I want your decisions to be made after prayer and careful consideration. I want you to find spouses that bring out the best in you, truly love you, and support you through the years. I want you to find utter happiness in that one person whom you were meant to be with forever. Don’t settle. Don’t marry because it’s the right thing to do, or because your friends are doing it, or because you’re pressured to do it. Do it because it’s right for you, and it’s right with God.
There are so many more things I want you to know about marriage, but there is time. After all, KT, you will not be allowed to marry until you are 35. Nick, you don’t need to worry about finding your mate, we will find her for you. After all, we need to make sure we get a wonderful daughter-in-law!
Love,
Mom
on 25 Jun 2007 at 9:21 am 1 Jordan (MamaBlogga) said …
Thank you so much for this post! My son’s a long way from marrying age (at least a couple decades), but your advice is beyond excellent. I want to send it to people!
Thank you for organizing the writing project! Feel free to send it to whomever you’d like.
on 25 Jun 2007 at 9:53 am 2 Mary said …
I think KT and Nick will find wonderful mates because they have very good role models in you and Mike.
All of your advice is very sound. Someone, I think it was my Mother, told me that it only takes a few minutes to walk up the aisle but the rest of your life to walk back down.
Marriage isn’t easy but if you have the same set of values it makes it better.
Now you just have to hope that KT doesn’t fall madly in love at her first job out of college and then find out he went to Michigan! LOL!
*blush* We’re not all that! Your mother had sound advice! As for KT falling in love with someone from U of M….I don’t think that will happen. That’s going to be the FIRST question she asks a potential boyfriend!! And if he says he’s in, she’ll go running away screaming!
on 25 Jun 2007 at 11:16 am 3 AbsolutelyBananas said …
GREAT post! Very wise words. The thought of CJ marrying is so scary to me. Will there really be a day when I’m not in control??? Ack!
It’s a scary scary thought, isn’t it? Although, seriously, do we have control now?
on 25 Jun 2007 at 11:33 am 4 Awesome Mom said …
Very good advice!
Evan’s heart surgeon has already decided that he wants in on deciding who Evan gets to marry. Poor kid, he doesn’t have a chance, but I know she will be a nice girl.
My mom always told me that if I was to marry a Californian they had to be from northern California not southern. I listened to her.
I’m thinking arranged marriages are the way to go. It’ll work well for us b/c then we can pick good in-laws!
on 25 Jun 2007 at 3:18 pm 5 Susanna said …
I have very simple marriage advice, and it’s all about the bathroom. 1) Each person should have their own tube of toothpaste. 2) If you have a choice, the bathroom should not be within earshot of the bedroom. 3) Make it a rule that whoever changes the roll of toilet paper gets to decide the way the paper comes off that time. 4) Another rule is that everyone closes the toilet when they are finished with it; it’s safer anyway with small children around, and that way nothing ever falls in.
I guess I believe that arguing about anything related to the bathroom cannot be good for your marriage, and should be avoided at all costs!
Our entire married life we’ve always had a cat, so the toilet lid always goes down. Nothing like a cat falling in and steaking through the house!
on 25 Jun 2007 at 3:39 pm 6 kailani said …
Great entry! I’m still trying to come up with a decent idea.
My daughter has already chosen who she’d like to marry. Little does she know that this will change many many times! Being that I had her late in life, I just hope I’m around to be there on her special day.
Ah, yes, I knew who I was going to marry when I was in 3rd grade. And it wasn’t Mike!
on 25 Jun 2007 at 4:36 pm 7 Annie said …
Great advice and very well written.
The best advice I have ever heard on marriage is,
“Before marriage keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, keep them half shut.”
Oh, I like that! So true!
on 25 Jun 2007 at 10:37 pm 8 June Group Writing Project Day One | MamaBlogga said …
[…] THREE THINGS…… by Karen […]
on 26 Jun 2007 at 12:28 am 9 Corey said …
oh my yes…..what a wonderful post. I have been married for nearly 11 years now, and boy oh boy have there been struggles. I wish I had this list a LONG time ago.
Almost 16 yrs here and a ton of struggles. More so than I imagined when I was young and “in love.”
on 26 Jun 2007 at 8:01 pm 10 mommyzabs said …
Great Post. So well written. I feel like I’m in good company that someone chose the exact same topic. Your really communicated it all so well!
-mommyzabs
ps- I’m a buckeye too!
Thank you! Go Bucks!
on 27 Jun 2007 at 12:52 pm 11 Kasie said …
Wonderful post! I love it. We don’t even want to think about them being old enough to marry when they’re so little right now, but that day will come. These are 3 important things that I too want my girls to know when they get to that place. This truly is a wonderful essay. I would like to print it out and keep it as a future reference for my girls.
:)Smiles!
Thanks for the kind words! And for those reading……go to Kasie’s website and check out her artwork. PHENOMENAL!
on 27 Jun 2007 at 1:24 pm 12 Daisy said …
Well said. Very well said! I especially liked the last one. The wedding is a one-day celebration. As special as it is, the marriage is more important.
Amen!
on 28 Jun 2007 at 1:12 pm 13 warillever said …
This is wonderful. My kids are a long way off from marriage (I hope), but these are things that my husband and I try to model for them.
on 28 Jun 2007 at 7:29 pm 14 Lori said …
Amen! I wish I could tell a lot of people these things!
on 02 Jul 2007 at 4:48 am 15 The Carnival of Family Life by Littlemummy.Com said …
[…] A Life Uncommon presents Little Dove in a Lie PediaScribe discusses marriage in Three Things… […]
on 02 Jul 2007 at 2:10 pm 16 Jo Beaufoix said …
Great post, and the end really made me laugh.
My girls won’t be allowed to date till they’re thirty.
Well a mum can dream…
on 02 Jul 2007 at 4:36 pm 17 June Group Writing Project Finale | MamaBlogga said …
[…] THREE THINGS…… by Karen […]