Well, I did it. I experienced a rite of passage yesterday and I survived. It’s sort of like fraternity hazing….if it doesn’t kill you, you’re in the club!

And I’m here to report it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had made it out in my mind to be.

I’ll give you the blow by blow in case you have trepidation about having a mammogram done.

First, I have to say that I have access to the very impressive James Cancer Hospital services. They have an entire center dedicated to breast health. From mammography, to ultrasounds, to biopsy services, it’s all under one roof. The staff there was awesome! They all knew it was my first time and they all treated me with the utmost respect. I was blown away at how caring and informative my actual technician was. She explained every single thing before she did it and made sure I was comfortable with what was going to happen. And, get this, she had warm hands! What’s with that? There was a good bit of touching and pushing and readjusting, so her having warm hands was just beautiful! All other health care workers I’ve ever experienced have had ice cold hands!

Ok, first I was led to the mammography room and the tech explained that I had two choices…I could use a plush terry cloth robe, or I could use one of the blue paper gowns. She suggested that if I was warm, I should use the gown. I don’t care how warm I was, I was using a terry cloth robe. I mean, seriously, what do they give you when you go to the spa? A terry cloth robe! So I thought I’d at least pretend that I was having a little spa trip! In fact, maybe that’s what they should consider doing….combine a spa with the mammography center. Get your hair done, get your nails done, get your eyebrows waxed, get your boobies squished. Wouldn’t that make it sound more fun? Maybe insurance companies would even pay for the spa services that way. Hmmmmmm. Anyway, I digress.

I came out of the dressing room in my plush terry cloth robe and sat down to give a health history to my tech. I felt totally comfortable with her as she explained things to me. I’m sure my experience would have been quite different with a brisk, rude tech.

The first time it got a little uncomfortable was when the tech handed me two stickers about the size of dimes. In the center of each sticker was a small piece of rounded metal (the tech called it a BB). Apparently in order to identify the nipple on the films, these little stickers with their BB centers help. So guess where I had to put the stickers. Yeah, I was feeling like Madonna with this fashion statement!

Then came the squishing part. Well, first was the positioning and repositioning part. The positions that my body was put in were, uh, unnatural. Usually I don’t stick my chest out quite so far and turn my head quite so far, but hey, I did what I had to do to get good pictures the first time so they didn’t have to be redone. The tech took two different shots on each side. Each squeeze lasted about 10 seconds. It was uncomfortable, but no where close to painful. The only thing that hurt a bit was my neck. The muscles in my neck are tight and don’t relax easily, so skewing my head way off to the left or right was more that slightly uncomfortable.

The nice thing was that the tech squished my breast then stepped behind the shield to take the picture, but she could remotely release the squisher so I didn’t have to wait for her to come back around the shield. And after each picture, she turned the monitor towards me so I could see the picture. Now, mind you, I have no idea what a normal mammogram looks like, and I had to remove my glasses for the test, so the images looked like grey and white blobs. At one point she said, “That’s a great picture.” So I replied, “Yeah, my breasts are way more photogenic than I am.” Hey, what did you expect from me?

Anyway, it was easy peasy. I won’t lie and say it was the most pleasant thing I’ve ever done, but it wasn’t anywhere close to the worst. For the benefit of being able to find a problem early, it’s so totally worth it!

My only question is, will these sexy BB stickers stay on until Valentine’s Day?

Just kidding! I took them off when I changed back into my street clothes and that, my dear readers, was the most painful part of the mammogram.

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Ok, women. A show of hands….. How many of you out there have received the email about preparing for a mammogram? If by some chance you’ve missed out on it, here’s how the email says to prepare for the test:

Step 1: Open the refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for 5 seconds. Repeat with other breast.

Step 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides and repeat with the other breast.

Step 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

Wow, with those sorts of images in my brain, I’m just a little nervous about my appointment this afternoon. Now that I’ve celebrated the first anniversary of my 39th birthday, apparently I get to partake in this ritual.

Oh, I’ve had a real life friend tell me it’s not that bad, but still….

I know it’s important to do, but I don’t have to like it!

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Well, I did it! I blogged for an entire year!! This silly little blog that I reluctantly took over from Dr. Mike, will now have to be pried out of my cold dead hands! He ain’t gettin’ it back!

This blog has come a long way, that’s for sure! My first post got a whopping FIVE comments (two of them very recently). Yesterday’s post currently has 905 comments! It’s overwhelming how fast things have grown around here!

All kidding aside, I thought about writing a post highlighting some of my favorite things that have happened here on the blog, but the dear Dr. Mike has generously shared his ick-germ with me. So, honestly, I don’t have the energy to go through the archives and link a bunch of posts!

I just want to tell you that my absolutely favorite part of this blog is YOU. That’s right–YOU! Stop looking over your shoulder to see who I’m talking about. YOU are the reason this journey has been so much fun! I’ve gotten to know many of you through your comments or through your blogs and I honestly feel like I have friends all over the world.

So, friends, wish me a Happy Blogaversary! And in your comments tell me one of your favorite posts from the last year. You don’t have to link to it, just something like “I loved the story about Dr. Mike’s kitty litter kidney stone! I nearly peed my pants laughing!” See, I have the crud (thanks, honey) and the Sudafed and the Motrin and the tea with honey isn’t making me feel better. So I’m hoping your comments will do the trick.

If you’re a lurker, please come out and say “Hi!” There is going to be a surprise coming up for my regular readers, but if you’re just lurking I don’t know you’re out there.

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It’s that time again! Time for hundreds of bloggers to come together and give things away! Thanks to Sharon over at Rocks in My Dryer who has set this up at her site, bloggy giveaways.

When you are done here, make sure you click on the button above to check out all of the fabulous prizes that are up for grabs this week.

So, do you want to know what I’m giving away this time? No, not a cross stitched piece. Not Christmas cards. Here it is:

Pretty cool, huh? This contest is open to bloggers and non-bloggers alike! If you are a blogger and would like to put this button on your site, here is the code:

And now for the fine print:

1. Comment on this post between now and Sunday, February 3rd at 12:00 noon Eastern Standard Time. Make sure your comment includes a valid email address. Also include the name of something that you’d like to buy at Amazon.com. Be specific. Don’t just say “a book,” but rather tell me the title or the object that you’d like to buy.

2. This giveaway is open to anyone, anywhere. International entries welcomed!

3. A comment will be chosen by using a random number generator such as random.org The winner will be notified by email. In order to validate the email address, I will not send the gift certificate until I have heard back from the winner.

4. PLEASE only enter this contest once. You will be disqualified if you enter more than once.

COMMENTS ARE NOW CLOSED

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KT sent me this one in an email so I thought I’d stick it on the blog….

Type your name: Karen Patrick

With your fingers: Karen Patrick

With your nose: iqren paqtricdki

With your knuckles: Karen Patrick

With your chin: kmzdsdn l;pzafgfdj cm

With your elbows: k,AZDES N L;PAftdrj

With your heels: (uh….I can’t get them up that far. Too old.)

Facing away from the keyboard (this calls for memorization): Karen Patrick

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