THE POST IN WHICH I ADMIT WE ARE NOT DOG PEOPLE
Posted by Karen on Jan 04 2008
I’m going to admit something here that sometimes embarrasses me. We’ve had to surrender two puppies back to breeders. You’d think we would have learned after the first one! Here’s how it went down.
Mike and I were the proud parents of an 18 month old when we happened to catch the Westminster Kennel Club dog show on TV. Immediately we started thinking about how a puppy could complete our little family. We wanted a nice family dog so we sought out a Golden Retriever breeder. As “luck” would have it, he was getting ready to breed one of his dogs and we’d be able to get a puppy from that litter. A couple of months later we drove to his house to meet Daisy, the cutest 3 day old puppy we ever saw!
Of course, we couldn’t take home a 3 day old pup, so we waited the obligatory 8 weeks while the puppy grew and matured. Who am I kidding? Goldens don’t mature for years! In that time we bought food. We purchased a dog crate. We picked out lots of toys for Daisy. We found out we were pregnant.
Yeah, that should have been a sign, but Nooooooooo! We figured we were both smart, young, active people and we could totally handle a toddler, a newborn, jobs, and a puppy.
Turns out, we couldn’t. By the time we picked up Daisy, I was deep into morning sickness. The three smells that made me gag the most? Dog food, dog poop, and wet dog. Yeah, try combining those and imagine the gag-fest.
We gave it the college try. We really did. We suffered through walks in which the puppy would wind itself around the stroller wheels. We watched as she chewed up furniture while we dealt with toddler temper tantrums. We were saddened when we had to crate her, again, because we just couldn’t deal with her at the time.
It wasn’t fair to KT to be so busy with the puppy, and it surely wasn’t fair to the puppy to be so busy with KT (and life in general). Daisy went back to the breeder and we got a full refund of our money (surprisingly!)
Fast forward many years. The sting of the experience had faded. The kids had now grown to the point where they could help and “learn responsibility.” The trigger this time was the passing of my parent’s much loved dog, Shadow. A year had passed since Shadow had died and we missed that little black dog. So we decided to buy a new “Shadow.” Yeah, stupid, I’m the first to admit that. For one thing, NOTHING could ever replace Shadow. Ever.
Never mind that every.single.person we talked to about our decision to get a dog advised us against it. Yes, every.single.person. They all said we were too busy for a dog. They said we went on vacation too much to accommodate a dog’s lifestyle. They gave us a million reasons why a dog would not work in our lives.
But we didn’t listen. We researched breeds and hunted down breeders. We wanted a nice, gentle family dog. We finally decided on a Flat-Coated Retriever. Basically, the breed is similar to a Golden Retriever, but it’s black. As “luck” would have it, we found a breeder who had a pregnant dog (I’ll refrain from using the proper term for female dogs as I don’t need Google searches to start coming in with that b-word). She already had several people who had committed to puppies, and our getting a dog or not depended on how many females were born. As “luck” would have it, there were enough female pups for everyone who wanted one.
So we waited for the puppy to grow and mature. We bought food. We bought a new dog crate (because we had gotten rid of our old one). We picked out toys. We were ready.
Pick up day came and we were excited. We drove nearly 4 hours to get to the breeder (construction and traffic made the trip way longer than it should have been). The kids were giddy with excitement. They could not wait!
If we had been “dog people” we would have recognized the huge, bright-red flag that greeted us when we arrived. This thing was waving directly in our faces, and yet we were totally blind to it.
See, we went out on the porch with the breeder, the mom dog, and the 8 pups. (or was it 6? Don’t know, don’t care! Suffice it to say, it was a lot.) Seven of the puppies came over to us, greeted us, and were generally curious about the 4 of us. One puppy did not. One puppy (the one with the red collar) remained on top of a patio chair the whole time. She snapped and growled at the other puppies who dared approach her chair. She snapped and growled at her own mother! She never came down and greeted us or gave us the time of day (that is, if dogs could tell time).
But she was cute. And the kids loved her to pieces already. So we picked up our red-collared puppy-the one chosen for us by the breeder because this pup had failed the testing which determines if she’d be a good show dog or a good field dog. We paid our obscene amount of money-because we thought expensive dogs would have a better chance of being good dogs without a chance of having pit bull in their lineage. And we drove home.
Wasn’t she cute?
We suffered through all of the normal puppy stuff. Maggie had accidents, she chewed, she dug holes in the yard. We understood that and did not fault her for those puppy things. We schlepped her to PetSmart training classes and taught her every trick in the book. She was always gentle to (and obedient to) KT. To the rest of us it was horrible. See, this pup was the dominant dog in her litter. And we were her new litter. She basically was wearing a sign on her when we saw her at the breeder’s that said, “I am the dominant dog and I don’t take crap from nobody.” But apparently we couldn’t read “dog.”
The problems persisted and got worse. The things Maggie did began to scare me. I would be playing with her in the yard, having her retrieve things, and suddenly she would snap. The game would go from retrieving things to circling me and growling. She nipped several times and put holes in jeans, in a coat, and in a pair of PJ’s I had. Mike wasn’t around much, so she didn’t bother him. Nick basically avoided her at all costs, so that wasn’t an issue. And, like I said, she was always good to KT. It was me she tried to control.
I had several talks with the breeder about how to handle these episodes. And I did everything she told me to do to control it. I talked with her trainer about the issues and she tried to help me out. But in the end, nothing stopped this dog from being……well….psycho. And while she had never harmed the kids, I felt it was only a matter of time until something happened. This dog that was supposed to be the family pet, the gentle, loving, loyal member of house, was nothing more than one problem after the next. There was no joy in having her, but only pain and suffering. It was not fair to her and it was not fair to any of us.
And so, one snowy day in March, we made a gut-wrenching decision. We would surrender our dog back to the breeder. With tears filling my eyes, I called her and explained that we just couldn’t live like this anymore. Something had to go. And it had to be Maggie.
I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew it’d be better for Maggie to be in a home with someone who knew dogs, who had experience with dominant dogs, and who could turn her around. I knew it was the right thing for our family as Maggie had totally rocked our world, and not in a good way. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like crazy.
I remember driving her up to Mansfield–our agreed upon meeting place. Nick went with me and he was fine with the whole thing (remember, he avoided the dog at all times, so it wasn’t like he was losing a beloved friend). But when we pulled into the McDonalds lot and saw the breeder waiting there for us, we both broke down. We cried for the loss of what could have been. What should have been.
They say hindsight is 20/20. And in this case it is so true. There were so many red flags. So many warning signs. And we ignored them all. Ultimately, I blame us for making the decision to get a puppy in the first place. But I do reserve a chunk of the blame and direct that at the breeder. She was fully aware that we wanted a gentle family dog. She was aware that we didn’t have lots of experience with dogs. She knew full well that we had two fairly small kids. And yet she placed the dominant pup with us. Paperwork she gave to us when we picked Maggie up showed that in every puppy test she had been put through, she was ranked “very dominant” on all of them.
Shortly after we surrendered her to the breeder (at a loss of an obscene amount of money), we were told that Maggie had been placed in a home in Michigan. And we were told that she was “doing well” in a much “calmer environment.” But we were also told that the new owners were working closely with a dog behaviorist who dealt with dominance issues. So obviously things were not all peachy keen.
I write this post as a public service announcement to anyone who is thinking about getting a dog. I am embarrassed that two grown, college educated, smart people failed so miserably and contributed to the dog-rescue problem. Pay attention to red flags. Do your research. Know what to look for in a puppy. And for crying out loud, even if you have to walk away puppy-less after driving 4 hours through construction and traffic, the pain you feel right then might just be less than the pain you feel 7 months later.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 12:32 pm 1 Awesome Mom said …
I had a friend that got a golden puppy when she also had a toddler and I knew that it would end badly. The puppy had to be given away for all the same reasons that you gave away your first one. Dogs are hard, so much harder than cats. I think you did the right thing in realizing that you can’t have a dog and have not gotten another one.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 1:09 pm 2 Midsummer Night said …
Very very good reminder to people who are thinking of getting a dog. And I would reserve a chunk of the blame for the breeder as well. Part of their job is making sure the puppy they are selling will fit that family. Be it a single person or someone with small kids.
We had to give our dog to a friend too. I was, and still am sad and miss him lots. Oscar was a good dog, just very very very needy. When we brought him home P had just had his hip surgery so he was able to be home with Oscar for 2 whole months. After P went back to work Oscar never handled it well. We had him for almost 4 years I think and after Aiden was born it just became too much. Oscar needed my full attention, and while he never did anything to the kids I could see he just wasn’t happy. We gave him to my friends mom who is single and works only 4 hours a week. He now sleeps on her bed and is carried everywhere. She loves him to pieces and gives him attention 24/7. I am glad he is happy now, but I still miss him. Dogs are just hard.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 1:09 pm 3 Jennifer said …
Thanks for the comment on my new site. I love reading yours and also love listening to PediaCast. Hope you enjoy reading mine, it’s been fun so far…with my two posts and all! I must also say, my husband and I are also NOT dog people. But it didn’t take getting a dog for us to figure that out. We know what work they require and know we don’t want to put forth that effort. So, we have a cat! Glad you are now able to put that all behind you and proudly join the Not Dog People Club.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 1:20 pm 4 ValleyGirl said …
Wow. We’ve gone through a lot of dogs, but have never dealt with nothing like that. Scary. And heart-breaking.
I don’t remember what show I was watching, but it was years and years ago and it was a breeder telling people what to look for in a puppy. The only thing I remember is that it should be cautiously curious, it should WANT attention, it should become playful once it receives positive attention, and most importantly, should deal well with being rolled over onto its back. I don’t remember the psychology of it, but apparently you don’t want a dog that flips out and gets angry or panics when it’s on its back. I don’t remember anything else, other than the importance of that one particular test.
I’ve used that ‘technique’ each time we’ve picked up a dog (all mongrels either from the pound or private farm sales, including a shepherd-rottie cross and three purebred rottweilers), and we’ve sometimes ended up with really stupid dogs (those purebred rotties are dumb as stumps!), but they’ve always been gentle, friendly, and great with our two little girls.
If you ever decide to try ONE MORE TIME, I hope it will be a good experience!
on 04 Jan 2008 at 1:56 pm 5 Christy said …
Wow. What a set of stories! I am very frustrated that the flat-coat breeder treated you that way! Sounds like they just wanted money, and lots of it. They probably turned around and charged the new family for that dog.
We were done wrong by our German Shepherd’s breeder. She wasn’t very up front about her breeding stock and I now realize that there were some HUGE red flags on her property when we visited.
It’s ok though. I can’t imagine not having my Shepherd! I will say this, however. He is probably the last “pure bred” dog that we will purchase. I am a FIRM believer in dog rescue. We have one rescue pup and we have fostered 2 other puppies and I LOVE it. Yes, the fostering was hard to do, but it is all worth it when they go to their “forever homes” and make that family happy!
Also, at most rescue facilities, you work with a “doggies social worker” to help place the best dog with your family. They don’t just give you the cutest one there…they give you the one with the temprement that is best suited to your family. I HIGHLY recommend rescue programs for finding a new dog!
on 04 Jan 2008 at 2:15 pm 6 jen said …
This was a good thing for me to read right now. Tom and I figure at some point we’re going to have “the dog issue.” We can’t have cats, I really enjoy that breathing thing, so cats are out. I keep thinking we should get a dog, but for so many reasons it isn’t the right thing for our family.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 2:30 pm 7 Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said …
We always had dogs while I was growing up, but I can definitely say that Ron and I are not ‘dog’ people. I know we’ll probably end up with one at some point since we have two ‘doggie-crazy’ little girls, but I’m hoping to put that off for quite a while. It was hard last year when the only thing that Hannah asked Santa for was a ‘real’ puppy, but we talked to her about why it’s not a good idea for us right now, and she seemed to understand. There’s just no way we could get a dog when there’s nobody home all day - the poor thing would go nuts.
When the time does come that we’re maybe considering it, I plan to take your advice to heart and hope that we can find the right dog for us. I’m so sorry that you had such bad experiences - and I completely agree that the breeder should have definitely known better.
For now we’ll stay a ‘cat only’ family!
on 04 Jan 2008 at 3:07 pm 8 reba said …
you did the right thing. We are 2 not dog people who have a dog my husband “rescued” from his friend. I’m sure he would be happier with some other family who spent more quality time with him but we can’t seem to give him up, now my 4 year old IS a dog person
on 04 Jan 2008 at 3:20 pm 9 Mary said …
Karen - I remember all the problems you had with Maggie and also how hard it was to give her up. You made the right decision and by sharing it hopefully you can help others from missing those important signs.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 3:30 pm 10 Tiffany said …
Both sad stories.
We are very much puppy people here but I can relate to the snappy alpha dog.
I don’t think you should feel embarrased. You did the right thing, returning the pups, if it was not working out.
on 04 Jan 2008 at 6:57 pm 11 Becka said …
Thanks!! I will remember this when my kids are begging for a dog. aka a fourth child!! I do want a dog, but ugh, lol, it WOULD be like having a 4th, or 5th, if you count my husband….
on 04 Jan 2008 at 10:42 pm 12 shauna said …
I’m so glad I’m not the only non-dog person. We went through two dogs ourselves and felt horribly guilty each time we had to admit that it just wasn’t going to work. I finally had to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with the dogs (be they hyper, rowdy, big, or loud) we’re not dog people.
Hi, my name is Shauna and I don’t like living with dogs. *sigh*
on 05 Jan 2008 at 3:38 am 13 Mary said …
You poor guys… I went through the same thing a lttle over a year ago, only the breeder agreed to take her back then backed out and refused to take her back. She was very skiddish outside and very hyper inside and started to nip at my daughters and jumped up on them. My oldest was only 5 and she was terrified of the dog by the time I gave the beagle away to my husband’s cousin.
I was so sad and devastated, it was heartbreaking to see her go, but at least my daughters would be and feel safe. Later the cousin said he gave her away to someone else because Sasha (the name I gave her) refused to go potty outside, but in truth the cousin’s brother told us that they actually just let her loose one day on purpose and she never came back. It’s so sad! But she was raised as an outdoor dog and seemed very stubborn and wild… Now reading your post I wonder if she was maybe the alpha female too, and we just didn’t know it.
on 05 Jan 2008 at 3:58 pm 14 Suzanne said …
I’m so sorry to hear about this painful episode. I have to wonder why the breeder bothered to do those “puppy tests” if she didn’t intend to use the results to find the best match for the dog. Honestly, it sounds reckless….you did the right thing by giving back the dog before it injured your children.
Now, I am definately a dog person. And a cat person. We have 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 children. I love all ‘fuzzy children’, but if I had an animal that snapped or acted dominant over my human children I’d get rid of it too. It would be irresponsible parenting to keep it.
Just wanted to give you a little note of support from the dog-person side of the fence. I do second Christy’s advice if you do decide to try again. A rescue organization will be much more careful to match the dog’s personality with the needs of the family. You can even hire the PetSmart trainer to come with you and evaluate the dog before you adopt it….like getting a second opinion.